Day Two

So I've realized a few things in the last twenty-four hours. Once you start to tell people that you're actually taking a real sabbatical from relationships, they all of a sudden have the best advice about the opposite sex and love. Please people, I'm serious when I say, "I'm on a sabbatical, but thank you anyways." I wish their response was one of genuine congratulations and not one of, "oh my, what happened, what did you do?", like something atomic and tragic must have occurred. Well to be fair something tragic has been happening. I lost my true self in men and relationships. One other thing that I have realized is that since you are mostly depending on yourself to entertain you, it gets old real quick. I mean I love to read books, watch television, web surf, etc like any good American, but honestly, I can only take so much solitary time right now. I don't have too many real friends here, because well, it's difficult to make some when you are a twenty-six year old undergraduate student surrounded by mostly minors and immature twenty-one and twenty-two year old that think they know all there is to life.

Enough complaining. I'm too good at that already and that's not why I'm here. I'm here to get down to the good stuff. Me.

I've been contemplating what's the best method on how not to think of guys/men and the ones of my recent past. This is truly a difficult task. I'm not under the false impression that I can just stop thinking about them, but I'm trying to find tools in order to help divert my attention and get used to thinking about me. I want to get in the habit of thinking about who am I, what do I want from this life, and how do I get that? I guess the real question at hand is the same question everyone else has, "What is my purpose and why am I here?" Okay, yeah, that's two questions.

I'm a girl who likes to drink hot tea at night, sleep with a teddy bear, still, and hit the snooze button, like a hundred times in the morning. Which, by the way, is one of my New Year's resolutions, you know to break that habit and maybe allow one snooze. No really, something serious and concrete. I'm a girl who is a hopeless romantic. Yes, for sure I am. I want yellow post-its stuck where I only I will find them that contain secret, sentimental messages from my lover and I want them to take my hand and give it a sweet squeeze just because. I want that stuff to last a lifetime with them also. I want our love to last an eternity.

That eternity statement brings up a good question. How do we know when we have found our "one"? One of my friends once told me that love is a choice, but is it just a choice?? I mean is that all it is, just a choice to love someone forever or not?? That just doesn't sound correct to me.

I'm frustrated with this whole love thing.

If anyone reads this, watch Hurt Lockers. It's a good movie.

Cheers,

Single in San Marcos

Day 1

As a 26 year women, I've never been single for more than a week. That is not an accomplishment that I am proud of or that anyone should be. That type of life prohibits one from learning who their true self is. Sadly, I have to admit that this has been my case, but that now, I am ready to break the cycle. I have one person to silently thank for this transition.

This is the deal. I'm not a great writer or even a good writer for that matter, but I'm on this mission to help myself. I believe that in writing about my first experiences as a single women and my life in general, I will be able to see the real, true self that I am. Not what someone has always wanted me to be or what I thought I needed to be in order to be accepted. All I really need and all that really matters is that I accept me. I'm looking forward to this adventure, but at the same time I'm terrified of being alone. I have no freaking idea of how to do this. As I go through each day, I will turn to this blog to tell about my life and vent my frustrations. I am sure that somewhere along the line, not only will I realize who I truly am, but if there is anyone out there, they will too.

Here's my dating life up until this point in short detail. I grew up on the east coast all my life and then picked up and moved to Texas almost four years ago. Texans like to joke with me and tell me, "well you got here as quick as you could". Texans are the proudest people I know. Anyway, I dated a guy since the age of 13 to 19, dated a few guys here and there, I married at 21, divorced at 22, got engaged at 24, broke that off a few months later, then entered into another long term relationship that just ended last October/November. I then entered the same cycle again and dated a guy for a bit. That just recently ended, unfortunately, and now here I am. Although I have had two guys ask me out, I politely declined as I can see what my problem is. I have no idea what I want or what I am looking for because I have no idea who I am. What the heck was I doing to myself all this time? I have suffered more heartbreak and disappoint than most people I know, all thanks to myself. This is going to be a long road, specifically, 365 days of a long road.

The first thing that I have learned since being alone, is that I am the most impatient person on this planet!! That is bad and I mean bad. I am going to practice patience and try and relinquish some of the control I think I have on my life. Think being the operative word. Practice patience every day.

Also, I am using exercise as one of my avenues to vent. This way I make exercise a crutch for me and not necessarily another guy. That's the worst, having a no- so-good crutch to lean on, because that doesn't help you when you are trying to learn to be alone, romantically.

So, um yeah, that's it for now. I am sure that this will be rough at first, but maybe I can really get going and learn to write an interesting blog that's full of information to help me.

Cheers,

Single in San Marcos